Calm down - it’s not quite so dramatic. We all know that my life is really not that interesting enough for the masses (I’m not a celebrity, politician or anything with the prefixes ‘celeb’ or ‘famous’ or ‘infamous’), but it has come to my attention that several people have been speculating – without asking me directly, save a few - about recent changes to my Facebook privacy settings together with being deleted from my Blackberry messenger. In light of the foregoing, I merely think it is time for a written opinion on the matter of Facebook Friends vs. Actual Friends and why the distinction may or may not be of relevance at all.
First of all, people were friends with each other before the frenzied rise of Facebook and online social networking websites, as well as Blackberry messenger. Alexander Graham Bell, thank you for the telephone. Also, big kudos to Ray Tomlinson for inventing internet-based email back in 1971, which doubtlessly brings people together from far-reaching places on the planet. I have friends who don’t even use Facebook at all in this day and age, nor Blackberry, nor MSN or chat programs. Letters can still be sent by the post, in case you’ve forgotten. People wanting to keep in touch with each other as friends definitely can do so outside of using social networking websites and phone applications. Within Bangkok, I see those who I consider as my friends usually once a week or every 10 days, and while all are on Facebook not all are actively using this website. Therefore I am sure that with regards to those friends, we would all be far more productive at work and generally if we were not connected as Facebook Friends, which gives us constant entertainment and the incentive to continually comment on photos, write on each others’ walls, play Farmville, etc., while still being able to remain friends offline.
Secondly, as for certain people who have been entirely blocked recently, it is not as if they could say they were close to me. They didn’t care to ask how I was doing at any time, how my life is, etc. (and I acknowledge, vice versa) when we were connected as ‘Friends’ online. You don’t need to be a genius to read that Facebook connects “friends” on the left toolbar on your Facebook profile page. I have actual friends who use Facebook to meet new people and who are willing to accept anyone new into their Facebook lives. That’s fine for them, and I don’t disapprove, but that’s not my style. Facebook is an application which I use to keep in touch with people who are actual friends in the offline world, or people who I would like to get to know better and intend to actively do so. If we’re just acquaintances, I am not offended by their lack of effort to be my actual friend, but then why should they be offended when I cut off the connection when neither of us tried in the first place, nor were even interested in trying? The point of blocking someone is to make a very clear statement to that person “I do not wish to know you or contact you. I do not wish for you to know me or contact me.” Isn’t that clear enough?
Thirdly, the fact remains that for some people, they refuse to disassociate with my ex-boyfriend. As may be viewed from my previous posted note, the word ‘acrimonious’ would be the best way to sum up my feelings on the breakup. That’s their choice, but I ALSO have the choice with regards to whom I wish to associate, or disassociate with. I don’t want for people who I am not close to, or who are simply ‘Facebook friends’ for the sake of maintaining appearances as we may be in the same offline social peer group, to then be able to disperse information about me to him.
Case in point: Approximately TWO MINUTES after I posted my last note on Facebook, titled “Everything Troy J. Eremin doesn’t want you to know about himself, but you should”, I received a text message on my phone from the subject himself, as follows:
“You’re a joke. You’re stupid and childish. Grow up. People tell me the stuff that you talk about and even the recent posting you put on Facebook.”
This is despite the fact that I have blocked him on Facebook and blocked his emails, as well as those who friends of his who I know to be close to him (who have never been close to me). If you haven’t done so already, reading the note is recommended. The title is misleading as to the actual content of the note, which is basically a summary of all of the important lessons I learned while being in a relationship with the wrong person for me. There are people sympathetic to his cause, and that’s their business (and/or problem). My point is that I simply wish to have NOTHING to do with him, what he stands for, what he does with his life, and how he chooses to live it; equally, he should also have NOTHING to do with MY life, being able to know what I’m doing, how I choose to live, etc. If that means that I have to delete and/or block ‘Friends’ on Facebook in order to achieve such objective, I am capable and ready to delete and/or block such persons as a ‘Friend’ on Facebook. I acknowledge that there is a gap in the Facebook interface which allows unwanted people (people connected to me by “Three Degrees of Separation”) to observe my activities if I happen to tag mutual friends. Whether or not we remain actual friends in the offline world remains to be seen through both of our subsequent actions and reactions.
Fourthly – and finally – do those people mourn the loss of an actual friendship with me? Or is it merely that their pride is injured? It astonishes me how many people can’t even look me in the eye and tell me to their face that they’re annoyed to not be considered as my ‘Facebook friend’ or ‘Blackberry messenger contact’, but they freely chatter to anyone who will listen about this apparent injustice (because they're apparently SO interested in my life, despite not indicating so before in real life by either actions or words...), how I'm being unfair, what do I have against them etc. If you don’t have the courage to ask me directly my reasons for doing something yet ask everyone else but me as to why, it is reasonable to infer that you and I weren’t close enough in the first place for you to feel comfortable enough, or obligated by the duties of honesty which bind friends, to confront me yourself. I also recognize that those in the inner circle who happened to be affected by my amended privacy settings simply said nothing to me and respected my decision on the premise that our actual friendship was based on the real world outside of a website; furthermore I also hope that actual friends who were genuinely concerned and who would mourn the loss of a friendship with me would tell me so directly.
No one needs to spend time justifying themselves to people who aren’t actually friends. I may be deemed as a cold-hearted and selfish b*tch who only thinks about herself, but then, isn’t everyone self-interested? I should never be making apologies for who I am, why I am that way, who I want or do not want to associate with, and no longer will be doing so. People have their own reasons for doing things so why shouldn’t I also? I don’t ask you to justify your actions to me, so why should I owe you an explanation? Friends know each others’ faults, and accept them with open eyes.
In this life, I only wish to have the best quality in everything that I can. This includes friendships. The value and meaning of friendship for many people becomes completely distorted when they base those ideals on the premise of whether one is or isn’t a ‘Friend’ on Facebook. At the same time, I think it would be instructive to comment on what for me personally, being an actual friend requires. The list below is not exhaustive, but consists of the most important values for me if someone is my friend.
1. LOYALTY RULES. In times of distress, the distinction between what/who is right or wrong can be unclear. Perhaps only one side is wrong. Perhaps both are wrong. Where situations are more clear-cut, e.g. the instance of one party owing money to another and refusing to pay by claiming that “You can’t prove I owe you anything” - we are at an age when we should know what is right or wrong, and be able to stand up to those principles. If a person is wrong, it is a friend’s duty to tell such person so directly if the friend believes that the person did the wrong thing. If the other party is at fault, your friends should stick by your side. This doesn’t necessarily mean fighting your battles for you but at the least they should not act in a manner that implies acceptance and/or forgiveness of the other’s party’s fault. As Abraham Lincoln says, “A friend is someone who shares the same enemies.” What on earth are we friends for if you’re going to be joining the other side? Don’t I have enough battles to fight with my enemies? The position of a mutual friend of two people who are at war with each other is an altogether unenviable one. Still, one can only sit on the fence for so long before one side of the dispute walks away entirely and the mutual friend is eventually left with only one friend, instead of two.. which would have happened anyway if the mutual friend stood by the principle of loyalty to one party initially.
Loyalty isn’t born based on the amount of time people have known each other, since friendship isn’t about whom you have known the longest; it’s about who came, and never left your side.
2. FOR BETTER, OR FOR WORSE. Now that we are no longer in school or university and we are building our careers to prepare us for the rest of our lives, the selection of those whom we choose to be friends with is of extreme importance. We need people who will nurture us, encourage us and who will be there to help pick us up when we fall, so that we can get back on the path to success again. Those who are only there for the good times, who just want to have party and fun and don’t want to face the serious matters, or help you to face them, do not deserve the title of Friend. This includes those who “just want to stay out of it”. They will never understand what you’re going through, nor are they willing to, because their goals are to have a good time and not have anything ruin the ‘party’ and ‘good times’.
“Freunde sind Engel, die uns wider auf die Beine helfen, wenn unsere Flügel vergessen haben wie man fliegt.”
This is the only German quote I have ever remembered. In effect, “Friends are angels who help us get back on our feet when our wings have forgotten how to fly.” I always remember this quote when I have been fortunate to be beside people who I am proud to call my friends, when times are difficult.
3. TRUE FRIENDS STAB YOU IN THE FRONT. It sounds so simple and easy, but in practice it isn’t always as easy as it sounds. It is one thing to talk about another friend within the same inner circle of friends out of genuine concern for such friend; an entirely different thing to talk maliciously about your friend to anyone who will listen. I can handle the truth and being told by my friends that my behaviour is unacceptable, that I shouldn’t have done this, that I did that wrong, etc. I accept that I’ve done bad things in my life and I learn my lessons from those experiences. If you have the ability to voice your disapproval to others behind my back, then you should also be able to tell me directly. Furthermore, everyone knows that long knife with which a metaphoric stab to the back is inflicted forms the shape of a circle!
4. AVOID CHINESE WHISPERS. Confidential information sometimes needs to be disclosed. Sometimes it could change someone’s life or expedite their death if confidential information is not disclosed to the right persons who have a need to know. But most of the time, when issues are not a matter of life or death or serious concern for someone’s wellbeing, if someone has entrusted information to you about something precious to them, that trust should not be broken.
5. RESPECT EACH OTHER. By this, I mean 'an act of giving particular attention to a person' or 'giving high or special regard to a person' (as opposed to other possible meanings such as 'in respect of' etc). Without respecting a person, the previous four qualities which are listed will necessarily be nonexistent because there will be no motivation upon which such qualities would be based.
People change in the course of a lifetime, in the blink of an eye, sometimes it's noticeable immediately, other times the change is gradual. Can we adapt to meet each other’s changes and accept such changes, as well as encourage each other and support each other? If yes, then we can continue as friends. If no, there’s no loss to either one of us. We each have memories of the good times. Any relationship between two people, whether of the romantic sort or not, depends on change management and implementation. Friendship, like all things in life, is ephemeral i.e. fleeting and transitory, depending on the circumstances.
In the battle of friends-who-could-care-less, eventually one realizes when to stop fighting a battle that was not worth fighting since the beginning. Therefore, what should it matter to either of us, or anyone else whether or not we are connected on a social networking website or on blackberry messenger? Around this time last year, I deactivated my Facebook. Did I still have friends? Yes. At the end of the day, what really matters is whether we are friends and want to be friends, in the offline world. All anyone has to do is to just BE friends. I am me, you are you, everyone has their own principles and expectations of what it means to be a friend and if we want to be friends based on those matching principles and expectations, we will be, regardless of being connected on a website or telephone chat application.
First of all, people were friends with each other before the frenzied rise of Facebook and online social networking websites, as well as Blackberry messenger. Alexander Graham Bell, thank you for the telephone. Also, big kudos to Ray Tomlinson for inventing internet-based email back in 1971, which doubtlessly brings people together from far-reaching places on the planet. I have friends who don’t even use Facebook at all in this day and age, nor Blackberry, nor MSN or chat programs. Letters can still be sent by the post, in case you’ve forgotten. People wanting to keep in touch with each other as friends definitely can do so outside of using social networking websites and phone applications. Within Bangkok, I see those who I consider as my friends usually once a week or every 10 days, and while all are on Facebook not all are actively using this website. Therefore I am sure that with regards to those friends, we would all be far more productive at work and generally if we were not connected as Facebook Friends, which gives us constant entertainment and the incentive to continually comment on photos, write on each others’ walls, play Farmville, etc., while still being able to remain friends offline.
Secondly, as for certain people who have been entirely blocked recently, it is not as if they could say they were close to me. They didn’t care to ask how I was doing at any time, how my life is, etc. (and I acknowledge, vice versa) when we were connected as ‘Friends’ online. You don’t need to be a genius to read that Facebook connects “friends” on the left toolbar on your Facebook profile page. I have actual friends who use Facebook to meet new people and who are willing to accept anyone new into their Facebook lives. That’s fine for them, and I don’t disapprove, but that’s not my style. Facebook is an application which I use to keep in touch with people who are actual friends in the offline world, or people who I would like to get to know better and intend to actively do so. If we’re just acquaintances, I am not offended by their lack of effort to be my actual friend, but then why should they be offended when I cut off the connection when neither of us tried in the first place, nor were even interested in trying? The point of blocking someone is to make a very clear statement to that person “I do not wish to know you or contact you. I do not wish for you to know me or contact me.” Isn’t that clear enough?
Thirdly, the fact remains that for some people, they refuse to disassociate with my ex-boyfriend. As may be viewed from my previous posted note, the word ‘acrimonious’ would be the best way to sum up my feelings on the breakup. That’s their choice, but I ALSO have the choice with regards to whom I wish to associate, or disassociate with. I don’t want for people who I am not close to, or who are simply ‘Facebook friends’ for the sake of maintaining appearances as we may be in the same offline social peer group, to then be able to disperse information about me to him.
Case in point: Approximately TWO MINUTES after I posted my last note on Facebook, titled “Everything Troy J. Eremin doesn’t want you to know about himself, but you should”, I received a text message on my phone from the subject himself, as follows:
“You’re a joke. You’re stupid and childish. Grow up. People tell me the stuff that you talk about and even the recent posting you put on Facebook.”
This is despite the fact that I have blocked him on Facebook and blocked his emails, as well as those who friends of his who I know to be close to him (who have never been close to me). If you haven’t done so already, reading the note is recommended. The title is misleading as to the actual content of the note, which is basically a summary of all of the important lessons I learned while being in a relationship with the wrong person for me. There are people sympathetic to his cause, and that’s their business (and/or problem). My point is that I simply wish to have NOTHING to do with him, what he stands for, what he does with his life, and how he chooses to live it; equally, he should also have NOTHING to do with MY life, being able to know what I’m doing, how I choose to live, etc. If that means that I have to delete and/or block ‘Friends’ on Facebook in order to achieve such objective, I am capable and ready to delete and/or block such persons as a ‘Friend’ on Facebook. I acknowledge that there is a gap in the Facebook interface which allows unwanted people (people connected to me by “Three Degrees of Separation”) to observe my activities if I happen to tag mutual friends. Whether or not we remain actual friends in the offline world remains to be seen through both of our subsequent actions and reactions.
Fourthly – and finally – do those people mourn the loss of an actual friendship with me? Or is it merely that their pride is injured? It astonishes me how many people can’t even look me in the eye and tell me to their face that they’re annoyed to not be considered as my ‘Facebook friend’ or ‘Blackberry messenger contact’, but they freely chatter to anyone who will listen about this apparent injustice (because they're apparently SO interested in my life, despite not indicating so before in real life by either actions or words...), how I'm being unfair, what do I have against them etc. If you don’t have the courage to ask me directly my reasons for doing something yet ask everyone else but me as to why, it is reasonable to infer that you and I weren’t close enough in the first place for you to feel comfortable enough, or obligated by the duties of honesty which bind friends, to confront me yourself. I also recognize that those in the inner circle who happened to be affected by my amended privacy settings simply said nothing to me and respected my decision on the premise that our actual friendship was based on the real world outside of a website; furthermore I also hope that actual friends who were genuinely concerned and who would mourn the loss of a friendship with me would tell me so directly.
No one needs to spend time justifying themselves to people who aren’t actually friends. I may be deemed as a cold-hearted and selfish b*tch who only thinks about herself, but then, isn’t everyone self-interested? I should never be making apologies for who I am, why I am that way, who I want or do not want to associate with, and no longer will be doing so. People have their own reasons for doing things so why shouldn’t I also? I don’t ask you to justify your actions to me, so why should I owe you an explanation? Friends know each others’ faults, and accept them with open eyes.
In this life, I only wish to have the best quality in everything that I can. This includes friendships. The value and meaning of friendship for many people becomes completely distorted when they base those ideals on the premise of whether one is or isn’t a ‘Friend’ on Facebook. At the same time, I think it would be instructive to comment on what for me personally, being an actual friend requires. The list below is not exhaustive, but consists of the most important values for me if someone is my friend.
1. LOYALTY RULES. In times of distress, the distinction between what/who is right or wrong can be unclear. Perhaps only one side is wrong. Perhaps both are wrong. Where situations are more clear-cut, e.g. the instance of one party owing money to another and refusing to pay by claiming that “You can’t prove I owe you anything” - we are at an age when we should know what is right or wrong, and be able to stand up to those principles. If a person is wrong, it is a friend’s duty to tell such person so directly if the friend believes that the person did the wrong thing. If the other party is at fault, your friends should stick by your side. This doesn’t necessarily mean fighting your battles for you but at the least they should not act in a manner that implies acceptance and/or forgiveness of the other’s party’s fault. As Abraham Lincoln says, “A friend is someone who shares the same enemies.” What on earth are we friends for if you’re going to be joining the other side? Don’t I have enough battles to fight with my enemies? The position of a mutual friend of two people who are at war with each other is an altogether unenviable one. Still, one can only sit on the fence for so long before one side of the dispute walks away entirely and the mutual friend is eventually left with only one friend, instead of two.. which would have happened anyway if the mutual friend stood by the principle of loyalty to one party initially.
Loyalty isn’t born based on the amount of time people have known each other, since friendship isn’t about whom you have known the longest; it’s about who came, and never left your side.
2. FOR BETTER, OR FOR WORSE. Now that we are no longer in school or university and we are building our careers to prepare us for the rest of our lives, the selection of those whom we choose to be friends with is of extreme importance. We need people who will nurture us, encourage us and who will be there to help pick us up when we fall, so that we can get back on the path to success again. Those who are only there for the good times, who just want to have party and fun and don’t want to face the serious matters, or help you to face them, do not deserve the title of Friend. This includes those who “just want to stay out of it”. They will never understand what you’re going through, nor are they willing to, because their goals are to have a good time and not have anything ruin the ‘party’ and ‘good times’.
“Freunde sind Engel, die uns wider auf die Beine helfen, wenn unsere Flügel vergessen haben wie man fliegt.”
This is the only German quote I have ever remembered. In effect, “Friends are angels who help us get back on our feet when our wings have forgotten how to fly.” I always remember this quote when I have been fortunate to be beside people who I am proud to call my friends, when times are difficult.
3. TRUE FRIENDS STAB YOU IN THE FRONT. It sounds so simple and easy, but in practice it isn’t always as easy as it sounds. It is one thing to talk about another friend within the same inner circle of friends out of genuine concern for such friend; an entirely different thing to talk maliciously about your friend to anyone who will listen. I can handle the truth and being told by my friends that my behaviour is unacceptable, that I shouldn’t have done this, that I did that wrong, etc. I accept that I’ve done bad things in my life and I learn my lessons from those experiences. If you have the ability to voice your disapproval to others behind my back, then you should also be able to tell me directly. Furthermore, everyone knows that long knife with which a metaphoric stab to the back is inflicted forms the shape of a circle!
4. AVOID CHINESE WHISPERS. Confidential information sometimes needs to be disclosed. Sometimes it could change someone’s life or expedite their death if confidential information is not disclosed to the right persons who have a need to know. But most of the time, when issues are not a matter of life or death or serious concern for someone’s wellbeing, if someone has entrusted information to you about something precious to them, that trust should not be broken.
5. RESPECT EACH OTHER. By this, I mean 'an act of giving particular attention to a person' or 'giving high or special regard to a person' (as opposed to other possible meanings such as 'in respect of' etc). Without respecting a person, the previous four qualities which are listed will necessarily be nonexistent because there will be no motivation upon which such qualities would be based.
People change in the course of a lifetime, in the blink of an eye, sometimes it's noticeable immediately, other times the change is gradual. Can we adapt to meet each other’s changes and accept such changes, as well as encourage each other and support each other? If yes, then we can continue as friends. If no, there’s no loss to either one of us. We each have memories of the good times. Any relationship between two people, whether of the romantic sort or not, depends on change management and implementation. Friendship, like all things in life, is ephemeral i.e. fleeting and transitory, depending on the circumstances.
In the battle of friends-who-could-care-less, eventually one realizes when to stop fighting a battle that was not worth fighting since the beginning. Therefore, what should it matter to either of us, or anyone else whether or not we are connected on a social networking website or on blackberry messenger? Around this time last year, I deactivated my Facebook. Did I still have friends? Yes. At the end of the day, what really matters is whether we are friends and want to be friends, in the offline world. All anyone has to do is to just BE friends. I am me, you are you, everyone has their own principles and expectations of what it means to be a friend and if we want to be friends based on those matching principles and expectations, we will be, regardless of being connected on a website or telephone chat application.
