After having been slandered publicly on Facebook (e.g. being called names such as "b*tch, *f*cking slut, the like), had false rumours abounding about me ending the relationship because of "another man" and being constantly deemed as the "unreasonable ex" among my own group of so-called friends since 'the breakup', I've pretty much had enough and I think it's time to FIGHT BACK, declare war, air out all of HIS dirty laundry and salvage whatever is left of my reputation.
Right?
Wrong. I don't give a crap about the poor or abhorrant morals of other individuals and with whom they choose to associate or how they conduct their lives. At the end of the day, one has a CHOICE as to how they choose to behave. Therefore, I choose as follows: to learn my lessons, and live my life being as great as I can, and be surrounded by as much greatness and goodness as much as possible, from this day onwards, only looking forwards into the beautiful future.
As Milan Kundera so rightly points out in my favourite book The Unbearable Lightness of Being: "We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come." At one time, I was in love with him. Eventually, for reasons which are no longer nor ever again will be be relevant, I no longer felt that way nor wanted to be with him. It ended bitterly in disappointment for both of us. There are two sides to every relationship and every end. That's all I wish to comment with regards to that part.
What I really wish to write about are the lessons that I have learned throughout the relationship with the Douchey-Ex-Boyfriend with whom I was with from January 2008-April 2009, and in the wake of the worst as well as most expensive breakup I ever went through.
1. NEVER LEND MONEY to your partner who is financially unstable. If you do, make sure you keep written evidence of it. You never know when you might have a bad break up and the partner will pretend as if the debt never existed. Resentment, anger, disgust are common feelings which tend to linger and spread throughout your brain like disease every time you think about the fact that your partner will never pay you back. After all, who has time to spare by filling their brain with such negativity?
2. LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU LOVE OTHERS. If you don't love yourself, you will suffer from insecurities of some kind which will be taken out upon the other partner. You can't take care of someone emotionally if you are always needing their attention to take care of your own emotional needs.
3. IF ONE PERSON CHEATS, CONFESS. For many people, deciding whether or not to cheat on someone, and then tell, involves some kind of Prisoner's dilemma/game theory analysis (although perhaps they don't recognise it if they didn't study economics). Often, cheating is deemed to be easily done, and far less easily detectable if you are careful; hence why people take the risk to do it in the first place. Take note that the truth ALWAYS comes out, even if you don't admit it at the time. Evidence is even more damning if you don't confess initially, as you will continually harbour some guilty feelings, which in turn will be displayed outwardly towards the non-cheating partner in the form of raging jealousy (which was previously non-existent).
4. YOUR TRUE FRIENDS WILL SHOW THEIR TRUE COLOURS. I firmly believe that without loyalty, friendship is meaningless... it is in fact sincere acquaintanceship. In a bad breakup, you certainly learn and understand your friends' motives and you learn how and who to really trust.
5. DO NOT WAIT FOR SOMEONE NEW TO REPLACE YOUR PARTNER. By this, I mean that if the sh*t has already hit the fan several times and there is no sign that it will stop, don't wait for someone else to come along, catch your eye and lure you away in the form of escape from your crap relationship. Don't waste time by being unhappy. Life is too short. If you recognise that it's never going to get any better, just leave and be alone by yourself.
6. EVALUATE YOURSELF & TURN IT INTO OPPORTUNITY. The cruel truth is that it takes two people to make a relationship end. Perhaps it is not always the same 2 people who are always in a relationship. Perhaps both of you just jumped into a relationship too early. Perhaps one person has experienced a life changing event and the other person can no longer relate. These things happpen. Spend some time thinking about it and facing to the cold hard truths (tears, breaking glass and other objects are allowed in the privacy of your own home). Learn from your mistakes and be prepared for whatever may come your way next... My personal lesson was 'Do not be a slut who lures unhappily-married-men-with-two-kids-who-has-no-stable-income from his present unhappy situation. EVER'. People don't change unless they themselves recognise that they need to change and therefore want to change, for the betterment of themselves and to be a more acceptable human being.
7. MAKE A LIST OF WHAT YOU WANT FROM YOUR NEXT PARTNER, AND DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS. True story. I did this and told my list to 2 friends around this time last year, who both responded "You're going to be single forever, because no perfect man like that exists." After an extended period of singledom and occasional despair 'comforted' by meaningless liaisons, dalliances and dates that went nowhere, I'm now dating the most amazing man ever who ticks every box on the very extensive 'impossible-to-fulfill' list. As I mentioned above, people don't change unless they want to. Don't bother trying to change someone who deep down, thinks there is nothing wrong with him/herself. Change to be single, set your expectations and stick to them, and you will eventually meet someone who is as perfect for you as RNW is for me. In this regard, similar interests, education, outlook on life and expectations of acceptable social and moral standards are quite important as well as how you foresee the future (alone? together? haven't thought about it?). If you love current affairs and public debate etc, there's no point trying to educate someone to read the newspaper every day if such person is totally disinterested in making any attempt and would rather be working out a the gym or partying. Fact. Avoid all disputes relating to "You're never interested in what I do" by simply dating someone who IS interested in the same things.
8. SAVE THE DRAMA FOR TV, MOVIES AND PLAYS. A breakup is a traumatic and highly emotionally charged event, whether you are the person who made the executive decision or are at the receiving end or it is a mutual decision. Just because the relationship itself ends, does not mean that the feelings immediately cease to exist. Often, these feelings can take centre stage in the form of public confrontation (especially when couples are in the same group of friends who invite both to social engagements after the breakup) Initially, for every provocative action (which unfortunately, there were several), I had a very public reaction which doesn't render anyone sympathetic to either one of your causes. Now, I simply avoid creating drama by not attending events which I know would arouse my anger and make me feel as if I want to punch someone. There will ALWAYS be parties every single weekend. Cutting out on the alcohol and avoiding causing any scenes is helping both your liver and mental wellbeing. Related to this point is the matter of provocation by way of FACEBOOK. I highly disapprove of slander on people's status' (not only because I was a victim) - first of all, it makes your mutual friends uncomfortable, and secondly, it makes you look like a TOTAL douchebag.
9. IF A RELATIONSHIP HAS TO BE A SECRET, YOU SHOULDN'T BE IN IT. My Dad has often said this to me; that if you're not able to be open about the relationship to the public, someone will become resentful... which in turn will be harmful to the long-term prospect of the relationship. It's so true, but I had to learn the lesson on my own in order to really understand its' meaning. In my case, I dated a married guy. He couldn't tell his family (who would never accept me for 'stealing him away from his wife and children' which incidentally, was NOT how it happened but how it would nevertheless have been interpreted), and I couldn't tell mine (except my Dad, since he doesn't judge me).
Finally...
10. REGRET NOTHING. Without having undergone through the pain of a devastatingly broken heart and the cynicism that followed thereafter, I wouldn't be who or where I am today at my life. I know who my real friends are, who my fairweather friends are, and the who-I-don't-care-if-I never-see-them-again 'friends' are. Having felt so much anger and hate in the past year really drove me to achieve a lot in terms of career and new hobbies like marathon running, and strive very hard to attain a self-image of myself which is finally respectable to me. Not to mention I finally met the man of my dreams~ Despite all that has happened in the last few years, I have been and remain entirely optimistic about the unknown thrilling and exciting future. To experience sadness, anger, resentment, hurt and generally negative feelings makes you appreciate the more extraordinary and beautiful things in life. Anyone can make their own happiness... so I will continue to do so.
Right?
Wrong. I don't give a crap about the poor or abhorrant morals of other individuals and with whom they choose to associate or how they conduct their lives. At the end of the day, one has a CHOICE as to how they choose to behave. Therefore, I choose as follows: to learn my lessons, and live my life being as great as I can, and be surrounded by as much greatness and goodness as much as possible, from this day onwards, only looking forwards into the beautiful future.
As Milan Kundera so rightly points out in my favourite book The Unbearable Lightness of Being: "We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come." At one time, I was in love with him. Eventually, for reasons which are no longer nor ever again will be be relevant, I no longer felt that way nor wanted to be with him. It ended bitterly in disappointment for both of us. There are two sides to every relationship and every end. That's all I wish to comment with regards to that part.
What I really wish to write about are the lessons that I have learned throughout the relationship with the Douchey-Ex-Boyfriend with whom I was with from January 2008-April 2009, and in the wake of the worst as well as most expensive breakup I ever went through.
1. NEVER LEND MONEY to your partner who is financially unstable. If you do, make sure you keep written evidence of it. You never know when you might have a bad break up and the partner will pretend as if the debt never existed. Resentment, anger, disgust are common feelings which tend to linger and spread throughout your brain like disease every time you think about the fact that your partner will never pay you back. After all, who has time to spare by filling their brain with such negativity?
2. LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU LOVE OTHERS. If you don't love yourself, you will suffer from insecurities of some kind which will be taken out upon the other partner. You can't take care of someone emotionally if you are always needing their attention to take care of your own emotional needs.
3. IF ONE PERSON CHEATS, CONFESS. For many people, deciding whether or not to cheat on someone, and then tell, involves some kind of Prisoner's dilemma/game theory analysis (although perhaps they don't recognise it if they didn't study economics). Often, cheating is deemed to be easily done, and far less easily detectable if you are careful; hence why people take the risk to do it in the first place. Take note that the truth ALWAYS comes out, even if you don't admit it at the time. Evidence is even more damning if you don't confess initially, as you will continually harbour some guilty feelings, which in turn will be displayed outwardly towards the non-cheating partner in the form of raging jealousy (which was previously non-existent).
4. YOUR TRUE FRIENDS WILL SHOW THEIR TRUE COLOURS. I firmly believe that without loyalty, friendship is meaningless... it is in fact sincere acquaintanceship. In a bad breakup, you certainly learn and understand your friends' motives and you learn how and who to really trust.
5. DO NOT WAIT FOR SOMEONE NEW TO REPLACE YOUR PARTNER. By this, I mean that if the sh*t has already hit the fan several times and there is no sign that it will stop, don't wait for someone else to come along, catch your eye and lure you away in the form of escape from your crap relationship. Don't waste time by being unhappy. Life is too short. If you recognise that it's never going to get any better, just leave and be alone by yourself.
6. EVALUATE YOURSELF & TURN IT INTO OPPORTUNITY. The cruel truth is that it takes two people to make a relationship end. Perhaps it is not always the same 2 people who are always in a relationship. Perhaps both of you just jumped into a relationship too early. Perhaps one person has experienced a life changing event and the other person can no longer relate. These things happpen. Spend some time thinking about it and facing to the cold hard truths (tears, breaking glass and other objects are allowed in the privacy of your own home). Learn from your mistakes and be prepared for whatever may come your way next... My personal lesson was 'Do not be a slut who lures unhappily-married-men-with-two-kids-who-has-no-stable-income from his present unhappy situation. EVER'. People don't change unless they themselves recognise that they need to change and therefore want to change, for the betterment of themselves and to be a more acceptable human being.
7. MAKE A LIST OF WHAT YOU WANT FROM YOUR NEXT PARTNER, AND DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS. True story. I did this and told my list to 2 friends around this time last year, who both responded "You're going to be single forever, because no perfect man like that exists." After an extended period of singledom and occasional despair 'comforted' by meaningless liaisons, dalliances and dates that went nowhere, I'm now dating the most amazing man ever who ticks every box on the very extensive 'impossible-to-fulfill' list. As I mentioned above, people don't change unless they want to. Don't bother trying to change someone who deep down, thinks there is nothing wrong with him/herself. Change to be single, set your expectations and stick to them, and you will eventually meet someone who is as perfect for you as RNW is for me. In this regard, similar interests, education, outlook on life and expectations of acceptable social and moral standards are quite important as well as how you foresee the future (alone? together? haven't thought about it?). If you love current affairs and public debate etc, there's no point trying to educate someone to read the newspaper every day if such person is totally disinterested in making any attempt and would rather be working out a the gym or partying. Fact. Avoid all disputes relating to "You're never interested in what I do" by simply dating someone who IS interested in the same things.
8. SAVE THE DRAMA FOR TV, MOVIES AND PLAYS. A breakup is a traumatic and highly emotionally charged event, whether you are the person who made the executive decision or are at the receiving end or it is a mutual decision. Just because the relationship itself ends, does not mean that the feelings immediately cease to exist. Often, these feelings can take centre stage in the form of public confrontation (especially when couples are in the same group of friends who invite both to social engagements after the breakup) Initially, for every provocative action (which unfortunately, there were several), I had a very public reaction which doesn't render anyone sympathetic to either one of your causes. Now, I simply avoid creating drama by not attending events which I know would arouse my anger and make me feel as if I want to punch someone. There will ALWAYS be parties every single weekend. Cutting out on the alcohol and avoiding causing any scenes is helping both your liver and mental wellbeing. Related to this point is the matter of provocation by way of FACEBOOK. I highly disapprove of slander on people's status' (not only because I was a victim) - first of all, it makes your mutual friends uncomfortable, and secondly, it makes you look like a TOTAL douchebag.
9. IF A RELATIONSHIP HAS TO BE A SECRET, YOU SHOULDN'T BE IN IT. My Dad has often said this to me; that if you're not able to be open about the relationship to the public, someone will become resentful... which in turn will be harmful to the long-term prospect of the relationship. It's so true, but I had to learn the lesson on my own in order to really understand its' meaning. In my case, I dated a married guy. He couldn't tell his family (who would never accept me for 'stealing him away from his wife and children' which incidentally, was NOT how it happened but how it would nevertheless have been interpreted), and I couldn't tell mine (except my Dad, since he doesn't judge me).
Finally...
10. REGRET NOTHING. Without having undergone through the pain of a devastatingly broken heart and the cynicism that followed thereafter, I wouldn't be who or where I am today at my life. I know who my real friends are, who my fairweather friends are, and the who-I-don't-care-if-I never-see-them-again 'friends' are. Having felt so much anger and hate in the past year really drove me to achieve a lot in terms of career and new hobbies like marathon running, and strive very hard to attain a self-image of myself which is finally respectable to me. Not to mention I finally met the man of my dreams~ Despite all that has happened in the last few years, I have been and remain entirely optimistic about the unknown thrilling and exciting future. To experience sadness, anger, resentment, hurt and generally negative feelings makes you appreciate the more extraordinary and beautiful things in life. Anyone can make their own happiness... so I will continue to do so.
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